Perks of not being a wallflower.

This movie was supposed to make me cry. Right? What did I do wrong? I went over to Netflix.com, searched for Perks of Being a Wallflower, clicked on the play button. Not a lot of room for error here. 

Oh well, another time maybe.

I hate Bums for suggesting the movie. I really do. It hit so fucking hard and the worst part is, I want to hope that I'll also have a happy ending like Charlie did. But no, I'm fairly certain I won't. Where's the character depth? Where's the childhood trauma that connects us? I'm just a wholesome pond skater insect, existing only on the surface.

"I was happy because they were happy."

I'd like to believe that this what I live by. But is it really? Do I act like am happy so that I don't have to put my true intentions out there in the open and make things awkward? Why the fuck can't I stand awkwardness? Just why? I think it's because I'm scared of losing people. For god's sake, why do people just assume I have so many friends? I honestly don't. There's not even a single circle that I truly belong to. Who are my go to people? Okay there is Shoeman. There's Bums. Byron? But these are individuals. Where's my gang? Do I even have one? I think this is why I can't stand up to people. Every set of people I like spending time with is a prospective gang. Oh man I'm sleepy and writing down some messed up shit. In retrospect, I should have started doing this atleast 2 weeks back. Would have prevented a disaster.

Okay fine I fucked up by letting her look at the chats. But what was the need to cover it up with so much bullshit? And lying to so many people, including myself. Hold on, I'm actually not sure how I feel about her. I feel like, it's not purely romantic. I just want her to really like me, you know? Am I the most important person for anyone? Anyone at all? Ugh I feel so artificial and cringe typing this down. Definitely not Bums. Shoeman? Maybe, but I don't think she's ready to feel that way yet. Wouldn't blame her either. Let's see who means the most to me. Nah, not today. Let's give myself a break. Yup, a break. I've been on a really long break from productivity. Alright, I'll talk about it tomorrow then. 

FFS, stop being so paranoid. I literally just came back and changed the names so that people wouldn't find out. As if anyone is jobless enough to search for mustardmangopickle on blogger.